Bloom Off Rose: Jalen Won't Win Popularity Contest With Jeremy Lin

Put up your dukes! A "duel of documentaries" should unfold this month when truTV is slated to release "Duke '91 and `92: Back to Back." It wasn't by design, but essentially will be a substance-over-style response to ESPN's glorification of Michigan's "Fab Five" last year.

Regal social commentator Jalen Rose, sounding more like rap-is-crap Eminem than a humble Jeremy Lin, affixed the unbecoming "Uncle Tom" tag on Duke's dynasty. Rose was subsequently pulled from the air briefly by ESPN for failing to disclose his DUI arrest shortly following the release of a controversial documentary about his time with Michigan's Fab Five freshmen. Jailin' was given a speeding ticket only hours after ordered to serve time - 93 days in jail (all but 20 of them suspended; served 16 days).

Seemingly self-destructive Rose, whose intellectually lazy concealment compromised ESPN's reputation, failed to exhibit any regret for "hating Duke" in the doltish documentary. Through his taunting Rose-colored glasses, the Mike Krzyzewski-coached Blue Devils were blasted by him for preferring to recruit "Uncle Tom" African-American student-athletes. Despite being Rose-hosed, DI's all-time winningest coach must know more about assembling a non-gangsta winner than certainly Uncle Fester or Uncle Kracker - both definitely requiring baggy shorts. But Coach K, even without any of the self-absorbed Fab Five on his roster, somehow kayoed six more opponents than Michigan did during rambling Rose's overrated stint with the cultural icon Wooferines from 1991-92 through 1993-94. Duke won each of four meetings with all or part of the Fab Jive; three of them by double digits.

• Maybe Rose, the Worldwide Leader's basketball version of former football flunkey Michael Irvin, would have been recruited by Duke if he wasn't susceptible to finding himself in a thorny situation at a home(y) during a crack roundup.

• Maybe Rose would have been recruited by Coach K if he wasn't leeching to a hanger-on such as convicted bookmaker/booster Ed "Godfather" Martin for "pocket change."

• Maybe Rose would have been recruited by Duke if he boasted leadership qualities capable of guiding a superior-personnel squad to a bare minimum of one conference championship (which the Fraud 5 never did in the Big Ten).

• Maybe Rose would have been recruited by Duke if he assured the Blue Devils' coaching staff he could help his me-generation team keep track of timeouts at critical junctures instead of seemingly being more consumed with donning revolutionary look-at-me black socks.

All-Americans Christian Laettner and Grant Hill were co-executive producers for the Duke documentary focusing on the Blue Devils' back-to-back NCAA titles in 1992 and 1993.

"Coach K would say to us, 'If you don't respect the other team, you're already halfway to a loss,'" Laettner told foxsports.com. "So he would never allow us to act that way. We could tell they were having loser thoughts at the beginning of the (1992) championship game because they were more concerned with taunting us and calling us names than figuring out what to do in a high pick-and-roll situation.

"That's why we beat them by 20 (71-51). In the film, Jalen Rose says, 'I don't know what happened.' I'll tell you what happened, man. You disrespected us and we shoved it where the sun don't shine. You don't know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. We kicked your ass."

It would be fabulous if Rose's outrageous trash-talking prowess included divulging his ACT or SAT score for the public to discern whether Uncle Jailin' qualified academically to become a "bitch" or "pussy" for Duke as he and his bush buddies bellowed in the documentary. Rather than hatin' harangues denigrating Duke, he should also "cry uncle" and be a mite more concerned with "polishing" the punk images associated with drab-five character issues stemming from reports of deadbeat dads, driving under the influence, herpes, marijuana possession and obstructing justice. But he probably knows as much about guilt-by-association as he does facts surrounding his fugitive sister-in-law evading Texas authorities for nearly four decades after shooting her common-law husband.

Other than permitting Rose to watch his alma mater for old time's sake at Illinois recently, why did ESPN clutter up its broadcasting crew by assigning him to muddle the presentation of normally astute Stephen Bardo? ESPN's obfuscation penalty against Rose never will be sufficient until the cable network assigns the documentary's co-executive producer to a pruning in front of the Cameron Crazies and allow them equal time documenting their infinitely more clever comments about stopping and smelling this Rose. Odds are they'll produce a catch-phrase putting "we're bigger than the score of the game" to shame. If not a destiny in Durham or it doesn't register from looking in the mirror, Rose needs exposure to the title of comedian Ron White's "You Can't Fix Stupid" routine to generate an idea of what many think of his street-cred "Uncle" tomfoolery.